Is There a Better Way to Talk to Each Other When We “Think” We Disagree?
Most of us try to avoid discussions with those who we believe have a sharply different point of view then we do. And when we do, we most often begin by trying to convince them that they’re wrong.
Which normally isn’t the most productive moment in our day. Smile.
What if I could give you another way to hold that discussion – one which has at least a chance of first determining if the other person really has a different point of view – rather than just a different way of saying what they believe and if they do, a way to narrow the disagreement? A way not likely to widen the divide. Would you consider it? More importantly, will you try it?
Here goes – and I realize this is hard – start by acknowledging the other person's perspective, whether you agree with it or not. Begin by saying something like, “I heard what you said and I understand where you're coming from.” Or by thanking them for offering a “different perspective” and perhaps following that comment with something like this, “That’s an interesting position, will you tell me why you feel that way?” And then listen actively to what they say. Listen with grace and afford them time to answer your question without interrupting them except to ask clarifying questions that honestly help you to understand.
Sometimes my posture, my facial expressions, and just my demeanor get in the way of the message I am trying to send – the old phrase – it’s not what you say but how you say it comes to mind, so it’s also important to mind what you say even when you aren’t saying it.
Once you have truly listened and honestly engaged someone you now know holds a different point of view than you do – be thoughtful, be honest, and be humble.
I know you are confident in the beliefs you hold. Yet it is important to remember that confidence sometimes plays out as arrogance if its devoid of humility and empathy. Being sure of facts, figures, and ideas are important and be sure of yourself is critical in making a truly persuasive argument.
Then phrase your argument in positive terms. Ask your conversation partner to consider benefits that “might” accrue if they considered another possibility. Ask them to consider the impact of their thinking over a longer term or played out to its natural conclusion. Ask them to consider the consequences of your position not just on the two of you, but, over a broader audience. As you wrap up, point out areas where your positions seem to be aligned or at least not diametrically opposed.
At the end of the day – understand we rarely change another’s thinking in the moment. At best we plant the seeds of change. Seeds that have to be nourished over time – through additional discussion and positive dialect and interaction.
All too often today, participants in hard discussions fail to give time – time. Things get heated super quickly, and when they do sometimes the only thing to do in the moment is reiterate areas of agreement — even if they're small. Find an area from the conversation where there you know there was some mutual agreement – “we live in a great county,” “this is an important moment in our history,” or “we all care about the direction of our country.”
Don’t let the moment end in a conversational crisis – thanks them for talking with you, helping you to understand their perspective and for listening to yours.
