Maybe the best first step in trying to be a better you, is to first be kind to yourself

When you’re facing challenges or making decisions which have a big impact on your life or on other people’s lives, it's easy to feel anxious and harbor self-doubt and even to start beating yourself up only to be paralyzed with fear and foreboding. Then missing the moment where you may have made a positive difference in your own life or the life of someone important to you. 

When you start worrying about all the things you can’t control – the politics, what other people might think, the reasons other people aren’t being kinder or more compassionate, or even why they aren’t wearing a dang mask in public when there is clear scientific evidence that it’s better for everyone if they do -it’s just dang hard to be your best you. 

Maybe the best first step in trying to be a better you, is to first be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you are doing the best you know how to do – acknowledge that you trying to do the right thing, consistently.  Acknowledge you aren’t intentionally harming others. Acknowledge that despite your best efforts you cannot do it all – admit that you are human.

By being kind to yourself – by being personally empathetic with yourself – I think you will become a happier, healthier and most importantly better human.

Treating yourself well doesn’t come easy to everyone – it takes time and practice. It stems from knowing who you really are and sometimes – who you are not. We will have to acknowledge this too – this inner peace – the balance created by knowing who you are and then treating yourself kindly - doesn’t come naturally, it’s a skillset you have to practice. Not long ago I wrote about metacognitive practice – the practice of thinking about your thinking. And if you have great. If you haven’t let me encourage you to begin thinking about why you think what you think – to better understand who you really are, why you do what you do, and why you sometimes think what you think when everyone around you thinks something else – or thinks the same things. Then let me ask you to take a next step to help you deal with facing challenges and making big decisions. 

PRACTICAL APPLICATION

Simply begin by taking three slow deep breaths. On the first breath, notice how you're feeling. On the second breath, remember that you aren't alone, that other people are going through similar challenges, they are feeling the same worry that you are - they are worried about the politic, what others think. Why kindness is so hard to find and they are worried about the pandemic – know that you are not alone in this moment. And on the third breath, ask yourself, "What would it look like to be kind to myself right now? What do I have to do to treat myself well right now? Then take your answer and put it into practice. 

As a good human, part of your daily job is to take care of yourself — why not tend to that practice today so you are better able to take care of yourself and the others who are counting on you.

Get on with your better self – breathe.

THINKING ABOUT YOUR THINKING - THE METACOGNITIVE PROCESS

When I was a young teacher in Iowa many years ago, I attended a six-week workshop at our local education area office. We met Tuesday nights from five-thirty to about nine o’clock for six weeks. I don’t really remember why I signed up for this particular workshop series, it might have been the certificate renewal credit or that other friends from school were taking it. I honestly don’t remember today. I do know it wasn’t the topic of the workshop it was titled, “The Brain.” I was okay smart – but I wasn’t scholarly.

“The Brain” heady stuff (pun intended) for a second-or-third year teacher and coach. Yet, something from that workshop has stuck with me for nearly forty years – I remember the instructor talking about the metacognitive process, metacognition, which she loosely defined as “thinking about your thinking.” It fascinated me then and it haunts me today. 

As you might expect – the politics of the day, coupled with all the challenges we face as Americans, as human, has had me thinking about my thinking. Thinking about why I believe what I believe, who I choose to associate with, and why I do the things that I do. 

And then this morning on my daily walk around the neighborhood I saw a friend I see every morning – we sometimes talk for a moment, other times we toss out a greeting as we continue to walk on in opposite directions keeping to some unknown schedule that retired and out of work people have. Still other times we just nod and continue on as more important things pull us deeper into the day.  

Today was like any other day – we nodded a knowing nod, which I took to be about the election. Then I started thinking. Thinking about my thinking and why I thought that. Not just about why I assumed my neighbor shared the same sense of politic as I did since we had never talked about politics or anything really, but about how I really see people. And why I tend to make judgments about them and what they may be thinking. 

I think I have tended to make superficial judgements in who I like – perhaps based on a reflection of my own sense of how they fit into “my” world. Or how they respond to me, the knowing nod, the passing witty comment, or how they speak generally – do they seem happy, positive, and fun.  Or is it perhaps what they wear or is it that they look like they “belong.” 

I think my thinking has been flawed. 

A ton of stuff has happened in the past forty-eight hours – there is an opportunity for all of us to think about our thinking. To rethink our view of who can and who can’t, of who should and who shouldn’t. We can rethink our use of power and privilege. We can rethink how we treat each other, and we can think about how our thoughts limit our and perhaps the possibilities of others and on the flip side – we can think about how a change in our thinking can empower, inspire and enrich others. 

I can’t help thinking that if you are reading this – you think about your thinking and you understand the power of engaging in the metacognitive process – and you intuitively know the power of positive thought.  I can’t know what you are thinking. I can’t think for you, but I can tell you this … I am rethinking everything. It’s time for a change.

Think about that.

Back to my neighbor …

Leadership – Do you Believe in Second Chances?

Everyone today expects leaders to have the answers and to solve the huge problems of the day. We expect them to solve for pandemics, economic chaos, furloughs, lay-offs, and ill-timed resignations and job losses. We expect leaders to solve huge and lingering social problems. We expect them to solve the myriad of problems challenging our businesses and organizations today – from location closings to supply chain issues, from the economic challenges created by social distancing and a volatile marketplace, to technology and infrastructure issues, and from customer issues to workplace squabbles. We then put the most successful leaders on pedestals and toast their successes. And we often toss those who can’t or didn’t aside. I am all for toasting the successful. I am not so much for tossing the others aside. 

We rarely allow our leaders to fail or fall short of expectations today, or in many cases simply be human, in spite of a wealth of redeeming qualities and characteristics.  We often hold leaders to an idealized and all too often; unrealistic set of standards, few can live up to in the complicated times we are living in. We expect our leaders to do no wrong.  We expect them to at least metaphorically “walk on water.”  We expect the wisdom of Solomon. We expect them to see around corners and through pandemics. 

If a leader fails – not walking on the water but falls into the water or when he or she makes a hard decision inconsistent with our way of thinking - it is more than likely today that we will feel as if they personally failed us and perhaps even did so to spite us. To make matters worse we often excuse ourselves from any sense of personal accountability for helping to solve the larger problem that they were grappling with on our account. We fail to extend them the same grace that we would wish for when if we had been in their position and we had failed at something or fallen short of expectation.

Sadly, many of our business and organizational leaders who make honest mistakes today are not getting the benefit of the doubt or a second chance in this turned upside-down and inside-out climate. For various reasons; professional, political, personal, and a host of reasons including the company’s image or brand, in this hypersensitive, cancel-culture oriented society we seem to be tossing honest, able people aside with few real cares – as if the pandemic and associated economics made it okay.  We have lost our humanity. Many are failing to exercise even the most basic levels of compassion; compassion they would wish themselves afforded in similar circumstances. 

Today more than ever we need good people, we need good leaders, we need leaders who tried mightily but perhaps fell short. We need those who are willing to make mistakes for the right reasons. We need leaders who are willing to fail fast, to learn fast. 

I believe we are at a crossroads today, the need for real leadership, for real leaders has never been greater. We have huge challenges ahead of us as a nation, and even more profoundly on a global scale. We do not enjoy the luxury of throw away leaders, we cannot treat leaders as if they are an expendable commodity. 

We need our leaders still in place to provide second chances to good leaders caught in a crisis. 

We need men and women who lead today’s most successful companies and organizations to be willing to budget the resources necessary and quite frankly demonstrate the courage and will to retain, retrain, or reclaim fallen leaders. We need our current leaders, those who are still standing, to take a chance on good people by acting on the possibility that good people caught up in the crossfires of life still have much to give.