When Someone Shows You Who They Are
When someone shows you who they are – trust your intuition. After reading an article recently, I started to think about things I wanted to tell my kids. Here then are six things I shared with them. Not life lessons really but worth keeping in mind as they navigate friendships, relationships, and work as young adults.
When you notice someone has the small-things-don’t-matter mentality. How can you expect to keep a friendship or a relationship alive with another person who doesn’t don’t pay attention to details important to you? Little but important things like being on time and not wasting yours, keeping important dates and commitments, paying their fair share or simply acknowledging the contributions of others or taking credit for something they didn’t do? People who exhibit this trait tell me you’re dealing with a person who’s only interested in themselves and their own comfort. Over the past sixty-five years – I’ve learned selfishness eventually warps all relationships.
When you see someone, who tries to resolve conflict through blame and deflection. People who resist the slightest hint of honestly offered criticism might have a problem with their ego. If their first response to a question about why they think or acted in the manner they did - is to attack you for asking or blame their behavior on circumstance or another person or group, you will be better off moving on from them. While some conflict can be healthy in friendships and other relationships, when someone overreacts or fails to accept any accountability, you’re probably better off without them in your life.
When someone acts like money doesn’t matter – but never contributes or puts you in an awkward position financially it’s probably time to move on. How people handle money tells you a lot about their character. Some people are financially train wrecks. They are the one who orders the most expensive thing on the menu and then leave before the check comes or when the bill comes the conveniently announce they have forgotten their wallet and will “get you next time.” Or the “friend: or “colleague” who knows you’re in a rough patch financially but still puts you in a position to live beyond your means. I want to be clear about this — the behavior I’m talking about has nothing to do with people who’re struggling with money – sadly my experience tells me that those who have the least are often both the most generous with their resources and most understanding of others in the struggle.
When someone can’t take a joke, or their jokes are always at someone else’s expense. Some people just can’t take a joke, no matter how trivial it is. That is a sign of an over-stuffed ego. These self-important people are seldom capable of joking at their own expense because their sense of self-worth doesn’t allow them to. And as I have gotten older, my experience has shown me that many of these ego driven people are the first ones to make cruel jokes, quietly at first, often so few others can hear. They are often just testing the waters. If you react negatively to their crude humor, they’ll take it back and insist they were just joking; and you should lighten up. However, if you don’t react negatively – they assume you agree, and they let the cruelty run free dragging you into their toxic mess.
We all have that friend – the gossiper. We probably should admit, most of us enjoy sharing a little gossip once in a while. Gossip is complex. It often validates what we thought we knew, and it sometimes provides new knowledge. It can also build relationships and makes us feel part of the “group.” In all of that we can find protection and a sense of belonging … and there’s a natural element of social enjoyment as well. Yet, and I will only say it once - you would be wise to remember chronic gossipers will take everything you tell them and sooner or later use what you told them in another forum. You would be wise to remember the old adage, behavior predicts behavior.
When someone demonstrates an obsession with self-image. It’s safer to keep your distance from people who are obsessed with being seen in all the right places, with just the right people, or having all the right stuff. Their quest for perfection never allows them to be satisfied. Their desire to capture the perfect moment with them as the star – will only allow them to treat you and everyone else in their orbit as accessories. And for only as long as you have utility.
It’s not always easy to decide whether someone is worth your time. You don’t want to make snap judgments about all of the people you come in contact with, but you have to listen to your own inner voice. That voice inside that tells you when something or someone doesn’t feel quite right.
Some time ago I read a quote, attributed to Maya Angelou that said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Truer words could not have been spoken.
All I am really saying is you should never ignore that small voice in your head saying – something isn’t right - honor your intuition.
